How to be the change, if the change you seek is kindness

I observed the woman running the takeout counter, clearly in the weeds, greeting every guest and employee with, “listen, it’s busy today, I haven’t had time. I’m gonna need more time.” She said this to a vast number of people, yet not once did she ask someone for help. Or slow down to breathe aka tend to her own needs. 

I think she was in desperate need of help, but for some reason couldn’t or didn’t ask for it. When she got to me she barely looked up to make eye contact and said, “your order isn’t ready yet, I don’t know when it will be, we don’t have enough time, you’re gonna have to wait.” I told her I was actually picking up for two people. She threw her hands up and out to the sides of her shoulders and told me, “then they’re gonna be fifteen minutes apart. I don’t know why they do that but that’s what they do so you’re gonna be waiting a while.” I told her, not to worry, I’ll go grab a book from out of my car. By the time I made it back inside, book in hand, she looked at me and handed me the complete order. She said, “I had them make them both on the fly for you.” I smiled, thanked her and her kitchen staff, then exited the restaurant. 

I wonder how often you would soften if when you were in the weeds during your unique challenges, the people you encountered saw your struggle, empathized with it, and offered you a hand of kindness? Would that allow you enough reprieve to take a breath and reach for someone nearby, “Hey, I’m struggling. Are you able to help?” 

Too often I think people miss those details when making observations. When I observed the lady, I didn’t take personal offense to her tone, words, behavior. I acknowledged she was struggling and offered her my patience and compassion. It did something that told her it was okay to pause and collaborate. My response, or an adverse reaction rather, would have potentially altered the course of everyone’s day. It was up to me to decide how the mood was going to be. I was not succumbing to the mood that existed when I first walked in. I promised myself that I would be a positive force in people’s lives and dammit I intend to keep that promise. It’s not to say that all bad moods are bad and should be stopped in their tracks. But sometimes a mood can be altered simply by how one chooses to engage with it. 

You might see this in your life when you’re grumpy or short tempered because you’re depressed. When someone engages with you in a negative way while you’re distressed, it only makes things worse. However, when someone approaches you with a respect for your boundaries and a kind and open heart and mind, it allows you space to be honest when they ask you if you’re okay. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, maybe it encourages you to call your best friend. Maybe you could be that person for someone else. 

I like to assume that grumpy, rude people that you meet once in your life are all people who are struggling to overcome difficulties. The loss of a loved one, job loss, mental health challenges, cancer, divorce, infidelity, infertility, etc etc etc the list goes on. There will be the exception to the rule and from time to time we will meet a true dick head. Someone who loves to troll in real life. We hate them, ignore them, and move on. Regardless, we hold our personal standards high and never meet them at their level. I used to be the Queen of meeting a mother fucker where they were at, but that proved insulting to my true character. Also, it never made anything better. 

So! This is what it must mean to be the change you wish to see. Small things can have major impacts. Be intentional with how you conduct yourself because you have more power then you think. 

With love,

Adrienne.