Do Not Pollute the Morning

“If you have not slept, or if you have slept, or if you have a headache, or sciatica, or leprosy, or thunder-stroke, I beseech you, by all angels, to hold your peace, and not pollute the morning.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson.

I used to wake up ready for a chair fight at a family reunion. My alarm would go off and, you guessed it, so would I. 

I’m yelling at the dog, at the neighbors, at the roommate, at my son, at my colleagues, at myself, at the sky, at everything because there wasn’t anything that didn’t set me off. My roommate started avoiding me, my son was probably afraid and confused, my loving and loyal dog must have felt betrayed. I was sabotaging my relationships and for what? Subconscious unprocessed rage. 

Beyond the tarnished reputation, it spoiled my attitude right at the start of my day. Without my positive attitude, I was miserable to be around. Problem solving went out the window and my ambition died with my kindness. Not only was I a miserable turd, but I was making everyone near me miserable too. My bad attitude wasn’t necessarily contagious, but it was having a harmful impact on me and those around me. It started changing my personality too. I was more resentful and bitter. I had zero patience, a quick temper, and was on the verge of burning every bridge I ever built. I didn’t care. I felt vindicated. 

So, what set this off in me? I’m sure it’s a culmination of events and behaviors. Let’s begin with losing my paternal grandmother. My Ouma. She raised me like I was her own. I went to work the day after her funeral. That’s when I first started snapping at people and I didn’t understand why or know how to control it. 

A few months after that my best friend’s dad passed away. When my mom kicked me out in high school, he took me in with open arms. That was a hard loss. I attended his funeral during my lunch break. 

I lost a friend later that same year. He took his life. I’d known him since high school. These were my first losses. I’d never lost anyone I’d been close with before. 

I started snapping at my colleagues. Accidentally started many fights and made the majority of people hate me because of it. 2022 did not hold back. 

I was also assaulted by a couple of men I was dating. Once during the summer of 2022 while out of state on a road trip. The other on a drunken night after splitting the bill on a room because we were too drunk to drive and too far from home to Uber. 2022 was not very kind, but I got sober. I quit drinking on November 26 2022. That’s when my memories and emotions came back. It was not a good time. I was a mess. I was assaulted again on August 1st 2023 and that made me feel fucking feral. Where the hell is the target and why can’t I remove it?! Felt like a curse because on August 11th 2023 I lost my job. 

I’m working a seasonal job for now and am optimistic in my search for a permanent one. I’ve enjoyed the reprieve though. It’s been necessary. It hurts my pockets, but I’m better off for it. I’ve learned a lot about myself, how other human minds differ from mine, and about how necessary a work/art balance is for me. Same as a work/mom balance. That’s what home is to me. I’ve had time to breathe lately and give my time and attention to my priorities at home. I get more sleep, I’m under less stress, I manage stress much better, and I’m bonding with my son in real meaningful ways. I’m cooking better meals and the house is getting better care from us too. To be transparent, I’ve been sad af — intermittently. I only have energy for my kid, pets, job, self, and my writing. I’ve been isolating myself from people and crowded places lately. It’s part fear, part lack of desire, part lack of energy. 

But by honoring my needs I’m no longer polluting the morning. I think that’s a fair temporary fix. I’ve been reincorporating my friends into my life in person lately and that’s been rewarding. Makes my heart happy and should assist in the maintenance of that happiness long term.

Some days I wake up cranky, with a toothache, anxiety, and back pain. Some days I stub my toe, drop my coffee, and miss my exit while I’m already five minutes late. These days are the days I focus on myself the most. I check in and ask myself what I need to feel okay right now. Because regardless of what I’ve just gone through, it’s never okay for me to shit on someone who didn’t deserve it — including myself. 

With love,

Adrienne.